On Vices

Most Useless of Devils,

I find myself shocked at your ignorance of the most elementary principles of temptation theory. Are you a moron, or merely a convincing imitator? Simple vices, or, to give them a more benign label, “bad habits,” are foundational to the work of any worthy tempter. (Whether or not you are one remains to be seen.)

Let me restate the obvious: stop bothering with any unrespectable or socially disliked vices. For instance, in your patient’s circles, bigotry and drunkenness are already out of fashion, so if you set about encouraging those vices you’ll be swimming against the current.

Socially acceptable vices, of which every society has plenty, are the obvious choice. In the 1950s, I would have encouraged your patient toward three-martini lunches. Today, I’d emphasize two hours every evening on his phone.

Instagram is clearly more addictive than liquor, and much better for our purposes. Booze lowers inhibitions (helpful),but it can also all too easily bring a person into joyous camaraderie (disastrous.) And hangovers are, effectively, built-in penance, an example of how the Enemy unfairly uses natural consequences to steer humans back towards what he cynically calls “the good life.”

For our purposes, there are almost no bad ways to use a smartphone. Lust is an obvious point of attack; it is useful, albeit uninspired. I would focus on instilling a low, humming discontent. No one has ever experienced joy on social media. Lean into that. Parade more attractive, more successful, and more accomplished patients in front of your own. Of course, you need not find people who are sincerely happier; appearances are everything. For added spice, throw in a few offensive political diatribes and something shocking. The ideal social media session is sexually arousing, rage-inducing, and, in the final analysis, boring. The algorithms here are your friend.

If you cannot learn these basic lessons you may soon be demoted to the mindless duty of stirring up anger at airports–something for which a demon’s assistance is scarcely required.

Do not embarrass us further.

In Frustration,

Mulcifer