Church Shopping

My Dearest Nephew,

Church shopping is one of my favorite pastimes. Finally, some good news.

Americans are delightful. Imagine shopping for brothers-in-arms in the cosmic battle of good and evil!

Delicious. It reminds me of the clever commerce in indulgences I architected before the Reformation.

Americans are predisposed to think of everything as a kind of commerce, so this should not be hard. Put him in a sophisticated, critical mood. Encourage him to think of himself as a thoughtful and conscientious consumer, not a Christian.

If you can, get him to make a scorecard, check Yelp (yes, there are Yelp reviews for churches), and snoop about on each church’s Instagram.

The local church, when functional, is a dreadful thing: shaping souls, building true community, instituting a discipline and rhythm that defeats much of our work — to say nothing of actually snatching new souls from the very gates of hell.

But your patient does not see that. Few do.

Where we see a prayer warrior and tremble, he sees a frumpy old church lady in a long denim skirt. He sees a worship leader in questionably tight jeans, a greeter with smudged glasses, and a pastor who could stand to lose thirty pounds.

“Three stars for worship.”

“Two for teaching.”

That is precisely the attitude we need.

The sad reality is that joining a church is rather like joining a gym. If the silly creatures would simply pick one, submit to its discipline, and show up regularly, they would get into much better shape — whether the gym proselytizes CrossFit, Pilates, or “spinning.”

Never let him commit and submit. Keep him chasing a nonexistent ideal: a church that agrees with him on every theological particular (because his theology is perfect, of course), that flatters his taste in music, and is full of “his type of people.”

And should he ever come close to settling, remind him of the price. The church he chooses will ask for ten percent of his income — and for a sum like that, surely he deserves the very best.

Keep him shopping long enough, and he may decide that no church on earth is worthy of his sophisticated faith.

Caveat Emptor,

Mulcifer